All the newsletters I didn't write
Normalize being in your flop era
Hello again.
Okay Zoomer has been on hiatus since I realized my life needed to change last year. Since then, I've started as a social news reporter at BuzzFeed News and picked up a fiendish reading habit that has me chugging through one book per day. 82 in 2022 so far! (How? My brain worms are tunneling in a new direction.)
It's too much pressure to decide what topic to write about for my first newsletter back. So I picked all of them.
All the newsletters I didn't write
I have been keeping track of a number of topics that are simply too stupid to write an article about and too nuanced to tweet. I'm going to rattle them off here.
☼ A list of internet drama plotlines that fell off with no resolution and I’d like to know what happened with them:
Pete Davidson only following Kim Kardashian and Sebastian Stan on Instagram, creators claiming they weren’t paid for participating in the YouTubers vs. TikTokers boxing match as promised, the soft launch of “““allegations””” against Tayler Holder……..I had another but I got distracted by a clip of Timmy Chalamet speaking French and forgot what it was.
☼ Someone needs to interview this guy, who sounds like a weathered Staten Island firefighter and reads Sesame Street flashcards like they’re tarot cards
☼ This would be a good meme if I had any control over what came up on my timeline anymore.
Ditching chronological posts is good for dismantling an echo chamber and bad for maintaining my inner peace.
☼ Why does the standard meme format for TikTok screenshots cut off the credit to the original source?
I know Instagram doesn’t give screenshots a lot of height to work with, but I know that’s not hte only reason we do this. but I think a lot of the humor is in the cutoff. Like, look at this insane text block. The fact you recognize it’s from TikTok is part of the joke. This is ours now. A new thing.
☼ Where the heck did the Film Updates Twitter come from and why is it so powerful
The fake pages are good though, like the one that said Jeremy Strong was cast as Stuart Little.
☼ One of the worst things you can be in the eyes of Gen Z is aligned with a brand (or be a brand trying to relate to someone) in any way because that would be cringe.
How are creators supposed to make money, then?? By laughing at themselves until we ultimately break through the cringe barrier and making money from big companies becomes acceptable again. Signaling self-awareness all the time is such a chore. I miss feral brand loyalty.
☼ We need to stop calling Caroline Calloway an influencer and start calling her a performance artist
Anyone can be an influencer AND something else. Just “influencer” doesn’t cut it and people are going to keep freaking out about her “scams” until they realize the scam is the point.
People say they’re tired of hearing about her AND YET we keep talking about her! Let’s enter this 1,000th CC discourse cycle with the proper nomenclature.
Bless Brock Colyar’s story for Curbed on Caroline’s last hurrah in NYC, which is now cited in her landlord’s lawsuit against her.
Sidenote: Why are digital magazine photos so… glossy right now
☼ I feel the era of feigned authenticity will soon end and we’ll re-enter a glamorous panopticon once more, attempting to deceive each other with our posts when really we just need to romanticize our own surroundings to survive.
We know TikTok is weirdly obsessed with exposing industry plants, when they are often wrong on both ends. Someone with a publicity team is not an industry plant, and that person you love for being ~so real~ is purposefully marketed that way.
You have to work really hard to seem authentic, anyway.
☼ The perfect headline for anything is “The Rise and Fall of X.”
No clickbait necessary, I know I’m in for a history lesson AND drama AND a fiery ending.
☼ Lots of influential TikTokers take a philosophical approach to explaining things because they are 18 to 21 and so are their friends.
They are in school or their peers are in school. Explaining things using buzzwords and conflated language is kind of their whole thing. They’re just doing dramatic readings of their psychology class papers on TikTok now. Not to say they’re not smart — they are! — but it’s peak esotericism.
☼ If an article touts a clothing item that sold out really fast or is a dupe of something really expensive, that is the No. 1 sign you should probably not buy it.
Sure, it’s probably fast fashion. But you’re about to see it on the street so much that it’s going to become extremely uncool to end in 6-8 weeks, guarantee. The thing about the high fashion statement pieces is that they’re often a big investment so you WOULDN’T see them around all the time. Develop a sense of style based on what you like, not what the TikTok girlies are wearing, because you are going to have no idea what to do with that pink Zara slip dress by the time it’s actually warm out.
☼ I’m starting to think that the overly familiar copy on the Truth Social waitlist page was … indeed overly familiar.
I have remained #1,086,966 on the waitlist for weeks. Maybe the inanimate website doesn’t love me as it so claimed.
Substack tells me I have passed my email length limit and I can’t bear to let down another microblogging platform at this time.
Keeping up with the content
What You’re Feeling Isn’t A Vibe Shift. It’s Permanent Change. (BuzzFeed News)
Why we use “lol” so much (Vice)
Exercise is good for you. The exercise industry may not be. (New Yorker)
Structural dissonance defines the internet (Content Mines)
“Are Any TikTok-Famous Restaurants In NYC Actually Good?” (The Infatuation)
‘The Sims’ machinima is a dying art form. Why do these creators still do it? (Input)
“The Dropout” Makes Me Feel Bad For Elizabeth Holmes, And I Don't Like That (BuzzFeed News)
Razzlekhan: The Untold Story Of How A YouTube Rapper Became A Suspect In A $4 Billion Bitcoin Fraud (Forbes, lol)
What Google search isn’t showing you (New Yorker)
The internet’s meth underground, hidden in plain sight (NBC News)
"My Own Little Fiefdom": Why Some Famous Novelists Are All About Substack (Esquire)
Finally a word for this aesthetic I keep seeing: “night luxe” (Glossy)
The TikTok celebrity analyst (Daily Dot)
The Era of Everything (Wired)
Forget “Casual Instagram”. I Miss the Unhinged Instagram of 2012 (Refinery 29)
I don't think you understand, I'm obsessed
My friend Alex, who makes some of the best fancams and film edits you see on social media (ahem, @NetflixFilm), is also one of the best fans I know. He loves so deeply and intelligently. A compliment from him is pure gold because you know it's coming from a place of genuine enjoyment that cannot be faked. He started a newsletter about the things he really enjoys about the movies he watches, and you should check it out.
My friend Noa always knows about celebrity gossip before anyone else, including blind item-PR vehicle Deuxmoi. I don't know how she does it, but she's always right, and somehow she got me invested in Nick Robinson’s career. Follow her noasletter.
I just started paying for Cat Marnell's Patreon column. Will report back.
By yours truly (now a BuzzFeed News production!)
My exhaustive David Dobrik take, which stands on the shoulders of Casey Neistat's incredible documentary, Under the Influence.
Suffixes have been slang-ified, my foray into the linguistics of internet speak
I interviewed the 90201 reboot actress who did the poem about wishing she were Putin's mom
I feel like a dozen social media managers will soon be responsible for most TikTok trends
Social media avatars are fine, and Gen Z doesn't own the internet
One more thing
Before I said a word to Casey Neistat in our interview, he let me know that my impassioned newsletter about my former love of David Dobrik meant a lot to him. This is — and always will be — a silly little blog. And to have such an icon read my silly little blog and call it “poignant” and “tremendously valuable”? It’s one of those things I wish I could go back and tell 2010 me as she poured hours into writing on her Tumblr when she could have been reblogging. Or making friends. It’s been a long road. I’m glad we’re here.
oh my god, an analysis of tiktok cultural critics is something that someone needs to write!! I've been thinking about this so much lately. I don't think all of them are hollow, but many are. brb checking out your david dobrik piece